2 min read
25 Jul

    I wanted to write this post today as a reminder for me to everyone who has supported me along my journey and my life. I know I wasn’t always the easiest to love, or to deal with at times, but I am eternally grateful for the ones who stayed in my life. Through thick, through thin, for all the times I felt worthless, unlovable and jaded and when I had given up on my own life. I didn’t know it back then, but God and everyone around me was constantly lending me a hand. When I was so deep in my addiction that I didn’t know who I was and so deep in the darkness that I had lost hope, yall were there for me.  I stopped being present in my own life for a long time, but every one of you still showed up in my life. So, thank you, thank you for being you, thank you for being present when I felt I didn’t deserve it. Thank you for putting up with all my bullshit, my drama, my anger and my-self destruction.      

      I know I hurt a lot of people along my way, and I didn’t care back then. Life was about what I could get from it, and I would take until I bled some people dry. I would push people away because deep down I didn’t want them to see me suffer. I thought I was protecting the people around me from my addiction, but I was only throwing mud on the wound. I kept telling myself I can get through this; I can do this alone. I survived much worse than this and I just need the right motivation, the right amount of self will to pull myself out. My truth is I was never alone despite what I led myself to believe. My higher power, God, was always working in the background showing up in the most radical of ways to which I am starting to realize. He showed up as friends, family, army chaplains, kind strangers, romantic interests etc. He was rebuilding the light in me by using others, until I was ready to see my own light again. When I laid down my own torch in the darkness, I was fully prepared to stay there alone until I died.     

      Love to me felt fleeting, like an ethereal being that if I reached for it would disappear altogether. I didn’t know what it meant to love someone, and I couldn’t imagine loving someone more than myself. The height of self-centeredness and ego run riot. So, I made poor decisions in relationships, and I ran them into the ground. I walked away from good people, because I believed I was worthless. I compared myself to others when I was worthy all along in my own right. I've been given many chances and I squandered most of them, but somehow, I kept moving my feet. I didn’t know where I would end up or if I would even be me at the end. I think I purposefully turned a blind eye to the love and support I had in my life so I could continue to pity myself. God was constantly giving me a reason to live, but I didn’t want it. I wasn’t ready to accept that I had a reason to live, or that I should continue living. When all you know is despair, you eventually find it comforting like a blanket wrapping you up. I had no reason to leave that blanket, and I had no will to live.     

      Despite all these things, the people in my life showed my love, support and friendship. The thanks I want to say can't even begin to describe how I really feel. You people saved my life just by being there. Until I was ready to accept God back into my life, you were the ones he sent to guide me. I am forever in debt to all of you, and I Love you all so very much. Thank you for giving me my life back, my freedom, and my hope. At the end I pray for this, that we continue to show up for others who can't show up for themselves at times. I pray that we bring hope with our stories to those still struggling to leave the darkness. I pray that we can give unconditional love and support to those around us. With the help of our higher power, let us rebuild the light in others so they can truly shine. 

With all the love and respect, 

Mack  

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