Today I fucking hate myself, and that’s okay. Today has not been a good day, it has been one setback after another. Sadly, so was the month of July, but it wasn’t all bad. Days like today I want to curl back up into that cocoon and stay there forever. To find myself wrapped up in the comforts of the darkness, and despair. I am exhausted. I have been rejected more in the past 3 weeks than I think I ever have in my life and it hurts. I know it's not an indication of my worth but it still fucking hurts man. I know God has someone great coming my way but one day at a time I feel the pain right here right now. I am grateful for the opportunities to meet new people and it's so hard keeping myself in control. I give up lord, I can't do this on my own, I'm not in control and I don’t know how to be. I don’t know how to be sober, and I don’t know how to keep living sober. I'm grateful that I can feel these emotions and know what they are rather than be numb and confused. I'm aware but I lack the understanding and the clarity to see why currently. I don’t know how much more my heart can take, and I don’t know if I want to find out. I don’t know if I want to try anymore, my faith and resilience tell me keep keeping on, but my heart says I'm tired. I think I need to fully disconnect from online dating for a bit. Focus on myself, my works and realign my life. I've been trying to have the life I had before, but that’s not a reasonable expectation for me. Because what I was doing before was lying, and hurting women. I was using them for sex and not trying to have an actual relationship, and that’s not what I need to go back too.
Online dating only feeds my ego, it says look at me pick me, but they don’t see my worth. It is not an accurate representation of me, and it never can be. But my moments of loneliness thrive off that attention, but my heart pays for the rejection. I also know this today my mind has been wandering through the past in my relationships. All the people I ran away from, lied, and cheated on. It hurts to know I was the one who fucked it up. Some of my biggest regrets are walking away from good people because I couldn’t see my own worth. But my biggest regret should be letting others determine my worth rather than valuing myself and my inherent worth. There's a lot of grace and mercy there though, an unbelievable amount. A lot of forgiveness on both sides. It wasn’t just me forgiving them, they also forgave me. But why haven't I been forgiving myself? Is there something I'm trying to accomplish by holding on to that pain and my regrets? Do I want it to lead me to drink again? Because if I'm being honest I kind of do think that, I think I'm self-sabotaging myself deliberately. I made mistakes, a lot of them, and I still have some cleaning up to do in my life. I'm only 6 months in, this shit will follow me the rest of my life for healing. I know this, I need to give myself space right now to forgive myself. God has been showing me I changed, telling me through others that I changed, and the change is real, its permeable, it can be touched and seen. If I was lying to myself and just trying to skate by, why would I do all of this? Why would I share my stories, my pain, my arrogance, my ignorance and my pain? I am an arrogant fool, who can't even see the light inside him or how I shine brightly for others. This is self-sabotaging and I can't have that. I am working every single day to better myself and heal. I will not allow my diseased and alcoholic mind to lead me back to the drink. I refuse to be put back into the wheel, the broken cycle.
You hear that ME? I'm in charge of my fucking mind, my life, and God is in charge of me and my life too. I won't fucking let you drag me back to that cocoon. I refuse to pity myself, and I refuse to be pitied. You are the weak one, the broken one Matthew, not me, Not Matt, Hes stronger than you ever could be. You fucked up your life because you wanted to, you wanted to be pitied, you wanted others to hear your story and pity you. Fuck you and fuck that. My story has purpose, it has beauty among the thorns, it has light in the darkness and I won't allow anyone to tell anything but that. You were the one who let the doors close around you, because you were so afraid of closing the doors on people who never gave a shit about you in the first place. You were a fucking coward and still are. I'm not, I’m resilient, I have armor from God, and I will cut you down one day. How could you stare at the same fucking door every single day and let life pass you by? How could you let yourself be filled with despair when you’ve been given so much hope? You gave up on yourself long before you gave up on life, and that’s my truth. Apathy, that fucking indifference, that fucking apathy. It wasn’t always bitterness. Most of my life I felt nothing, it wasn't that I was numb, it was that apathy. I stopped feeling anything for myself, my life was forfeit all I had to do was wait until the booze did me in. It all started with that damn apathy, I couldn’t make a decision because I didn’t care about moving forward. I didn’t care about the outcome so I let others choose. Why I stood in that damn doorway for so long? Because it didn’t matter if I closed it or not, my life wouldn’t have changed.
I found comfort in that apathy, not having to make choices, but letting others make them for me. That’s why it was so easy to ghost, to fade away, to never face anyone. To let them get sick and tired of me so they leave. I didn’t just push people away, I pushed them to their limits, to the edge, because I was an apathetic coward who couldn’t make a choice. When life had no meaning, neither did my choices. I had no incentive to try, no incentive to better my life because I didn’t want it. I didn’t want my life to change, I didn’t want to get better. I was so clouded in didn’t know what I wanted or how to even possibly achieve anything I did. Life was nothing but a curse, and apathy a blessing. I didn’t have to feel finally, while drinking I could stay perfectly numb. I could blame others and God, blame the world for my failures, my mistakes, my shortcomings. I was blissfully ignorant; I didn’t have to look in the mirror and see me. Truth be told there was no me, looking back was always a hollowed-out fragment of me. I think that’s worse than hating yourself in the mirror because that at least creates a reaction. That you are tired of the life you are living. When I looked into that mirror, I found no answers, no emotions. Just loneliness and the abyss staring back at me. Because if I felt something I may have been motivated to change my life, so I didn’t have to see that man in the mirror but I didn’t. That motivation never came, and somedays I can smile and look in the mirror and feel something. Most days I still look in that mirror and its empty. And I don’t want to be empty, so I pray to God and I try to do my best to fill my life. But when I look into that mirror, I don’t see anything. I can't see my light, my joy, my changes. I still see a hollow man silently staring at me, emotionless. He haunts me, he haunts my dreams, and I don’t know how to fill him.
-With grace and mercy for us all,