Ego such a small word for such a large part of our lives. An even larger problem to deal with. My ego was that of a lion's pride, and it went unchallenged for many years. My truth is that my ego was constantly being bruised by the smallest actions. It was so large and out of control that my reaction never fit the action. My response fit how my ego felt bruised and hurt. If someone hurt me, I made it my duty to make them hurt too. It happened a lot in my relationships especially ones that ended or when I was rejected. I always had one last jab I had to get in, and I made it as painful as possible. I didn’t understand back then the ways in which I simply reacted to the pain with more hurt. I wasn’t aware that I lashed out to hurt others because I was hurt. I was going to get my revenge on them because I felt slighted or I felt they didn’t deserve something in their life.
I just wanted to create pain because that’s what my ego told me to do. Create chaos, make them as miserable as you feel. My therapist reminded me once that we are told to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Most of us don’t actually love ourselves, so we treat others with the same disdain and snarkiness we treat ourselves. I had grown so tired of this cycle of pain, shame, guilt and hurt that at my lowest I found the motivation to try to do better. I sat in that jail cell contemplating my life a thousand times over. Trying to wrap my mind around how I got here, again. Alcoholism was something I used to joke about with friends at the bar. I knew I was an alcoholic but I didn’t care, and my ego brushed it off as nothing. As long as my ego got its fill nothing else mattered. But I hated myself, and I hated my overinflated ego that was trying to cover up for the scared, and lost little boy inside. That boy who didn’t know who he was without the pain because I bonded with my trauma. My personality became formed around my trauma. I was a victim and I wanted others to know it, I wanted to be pitied.
I spent all this time in my past 10 years sabotaging myself so that I could never escape my own victim mentality. Until recently I didn’t even understand the ways I self-sabotaged. That’s something new I'm learning and growing from. I was like the crab we all hear about in those stories, I dragged back anyone who tried to escape. God forbid anyone escape their circumstances, no I wanted everyone to suffer just like me. So, I dragged them back into my shitty chaotic life. I think that’s why AA is so intent on people coming back. God, my higher power, transforms that crab mentality into something beautiful. We don’t drag people back down; we drag them back to safety. Then we lift them up to their freedom, their sobriety. Much like the crab, I was Jacob the heel-grabber, grabbing peoples heels and pulling them back down. I can finally start to understand the true meaning of that story. God and my spiritual guides are teaching me in my meditations and through signs in my life. I ask for them to, I ask for transformation and awareness.
With this focus in mind, I pray that we find our lives transformed in so many wonderful ways. Our higher powers are showing up for us in ways we never thought possible. We are not crabs stuck in a boiling pot waiting to die. We are crabs back in the sea free to roam because of our higher powers. I pray we ask for our egos to be released, minimized and forgiven. I pray that we change our mentalities to be of use to others not to drag them down. I hope that together we find renewal of hope, love, faith and freedom from our traumas.
A thousand thanks, and much love