I learned at an early age that the world was never going to live up to my expectations nor I them. In my teenage years I learned that the world was a dark and lonely place. In adulthood I watched as the darkness snuffed out the light around me. All these things became my fears, and still are some of my core fears. Never being good enough, being alone, and dying alone in the darkness were all parts of the whole that is me. I missed out on countless opportunities, relationships, and dreams because my fears were so loud in comparison to the rest of my thinking. Bit by bit they overwhelmed me and drove me to make decisions that weren't compatible with me life.
I tried to control everyone and everything around me because I feared people not living up to my expectations. I tried to control the situations I put myself in because I feared not living up to my own expectations. The more people failed to live up to my expectations the angrier I got. The more control I wanted, but it always backfired. I'm not God, and never will be. People will be who they are, their hurts, pain and traumas and I have no say over how they react in life. Out of this need to control people arose codependency. Why couldn’t people act the way I wanted them to? It would make my life so much easier if everyone did what I wanted them to, and if I could fix them the way I wanted to. Life doesn’t work like that, and God had to humble me down to meager beginnings for me to remember that lesson.
I dove into relationships because I feared being lonely, but I never felt happy and my gut instinct was always to leave. I didn’t just leave, I ran away, far away from anyone and anything. To me, I would never be good enough for them so why try? My fear wanted me to believe this narrative, and I let it consume me for years even though it was a lie. I never tried to question the choices I was making out of fear and not a rational mindset. I've learned now that my higher power God calms those fears for me every day. Fear doesn’t exist in faith in that way. If you believe your higher power to truly be infinite then how could fear ever live up to that? You see I placed myself into a box and refused to go outside of it meanwhile my fears could continue to terrorize me. My God, my higher power, can't be confined to a box, but he can confine fear to a chest and lock it away if I let him.
When I examine my fears now with the help of God, I can see the truths that are behind them. I feared being alone because I was uncomfortable with myself, my life and I hated that. I'm learning to find the peace within myself through prayer and meditation so I can enter friendships, relationships from a place of love and compassion rather than fear and loneliness. I'm learning to let God take charge and to have reasonable expectations for my life and my situation. I'm learning that I can't fix the people, places and things around me, but I can support them as my higher power wants me to. I can show up and be present in the lives of others because I'm no longer living out of a place of fear. These things seemed impossible when I first started my journey to recovery, but everyday God shows up in my life and does for me what I could not do for myself. He gave me my life back and this is one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received. I hope that one day you allow God to redefine the role fear has in your life. I hope that you chose to offer them to him so he can lock it away and take charge.
With much love,