2 min read
16 Oct

I spent the majority of my life hating God because of my pain. I couldn't understand why he let me grow up with such pain and hurt. I believe others that suffered trauma growing up felt the same and i truly hated that version of God. My understanding of God as my higher power now is nothing like the cruel god of my childhood. But there's something i was to discuss in that. All I ever wanted growing up was to feel safe and have some sense of peace or sanity. I talked in my last post about my needs and wants, What I wanted never lined up with what God had in store for me. Because most of the things I wished for was vengeance and for others to feel the same pain as me. I wanted others to suffer just as much as I had, and when my will wasn’t implemented onto the world, I became resentful, bitter and overcome with anger.  

When I say I went out to get what I wanted because God didn’t give it to me. I mean both the good and the bad. I made myself an example of revenge, I turned myself into a double-edged sword. To be wielded to bring others to the same knees that I was brought to. Whatever path I set myself down all that was left was death, chaos and pain. I thrived in that environment, I thrived off the chaos. I justified whatever I needed to do based on my perception of a lost God. If God wouldn’t give me what I wanted, then let him try and stop me when I go out and sow discord. I truly wanted others to suffer, I told myself they were rotten, corrupt, not worthy of the gifts they had been given. Why were things taken from me and not them? Why did I suffer at the hands of others while they thrived in life? How the fuck was any of that fair? 

God or not, life isn't fair, because humans corrupt the things around them. God gave us freewill as a gift, and we turned it against him. I was blaming God for the actions of rotten human beings when all he ever wanted was for me to thrive. God got me through the abuse, the pain, and he did something only God could do. He saved me from myself, he saved me from the road of revenge, where one day I would take my own life with my sword. I thought deeply on this today and I smiled because I was truly free. Freed from those horrible shackles I placed myself in and locked away the key. Thats true gratitude right there, I could never have saved myself, I could never have unshackled myself. I would have rotted my soul into desolation till the day I died had I not chosen to get sober. I still have that choice, always have and always will. I have the choice to go back down that path, I have the choice to go back and live my life in anger, pain and chaos. God gave me that freewill to make that choice, but he always hopes I chose to stay saved, stay blessed rather than sew chaos.  

So here I am finding more and more gratitude for the gift of freedom, and sobriety. I would not have started this blog or writing had I not made a decision to be grateful for the gift I always had. I used my writing for all the wrong reasons in the past like a toxic human I lured in friends, women and others with my words and I used my tongue to speak curses on others rather than blessings. I broke people down rather than build them up- not every time but my negative actions outweighed the good at some point. After all I am an amalgamation of the good and bad choices of my life. Defined by both, but judged for neither by my higher power. He judges my soul, not the choices I made in my own pain. 

I hope some of you can relate to anything I've written here and I want to remind you of how freeing being honest with yourself is. I used to be so ashamed of these choices and my life because of how much I wanted others to hurt. Not realizing I was the one who was hurting the most and God was just trying to keep me alive. So, I pray for this, that you be brutally honest with yourself and God so that you may heal. Because while awareness of an issue is helpful, awareness without change means nothing. The first step is becoming aware of a problem, and asking God helps to change in a way only God can.  

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