Home to me was a foreign concept. I would always hear someone say home is where you feel comfort, safe, and you can always come home. That wasn’t my home, that wasn’t my story. Home was a realm of maddening chaos and insanity. The same routines, the same fights, and the same cycle of abuse. One thing I swore to myself when I turned 18 was that I would never return to the home I left. I told myself I would cut ties with my family and pave my own way. I didn’t know what a real home could feel like, what a real home could be. I sometimes even ran away from home, after wandering around the city all day I eventually had to return home. I hated my home deeply, and I hated the people in it even more. Home was hell to a young troubled version of me, and it was the dark place my mind would often find itself in- that same hell. So, when I left to the army, I decided had no place to go back to, no place to call home. I never found a home in the army either, it was just as cold and unforgiving as the home of my childhood. Only with more drinking and more fighting.
This is one of the reasons I found a love of traveling, a desire to explore and adventure. There was nothing holding me back. The world could be my home and I could go anywhere. After college I found myself in a profession where I was constantly traveling and on the road. The hotels I stayed in became my homes, and to be honest they felt more like home than the houses I grew up in. Because my home was a place where I only had to take care of myself, manage my chaos, and my emotions. Even then, I reached a point where nothing felt like home. Wherever I went, the chaos followed me. No matter how far I ran, the chaos always caught up to me. I didn’t know it at the time, but I've learned this. Home is what you carry with you and I carried nothing but pain and chaos. I didn’t carry the good, the times of happiness and joy that I did have back then. I only carried what left the deepest scars in my heart. There was no room for anything else but this black hole of pain. I can see that now; I can vividly see the path I walked and what I brought me with along the way. That path is covered in black ooze, it seeped out of every orifice in my body wherever I went. It was a rotten, and festering ooze that poisoned everything it touched. When I had reached the end of my path, all I saw was death and rot. When I decided to get sober, I dropped a torch on that path. That torch held God's love, and it purified that ooze so it couldn’t follow me anymore.
Unlike other fires I had seen, this one didn’t destroy everything in its path. It only burned away the ooze, but left the path intact, all bridges standing. God tells us not to turn our back on our past for he can use it to better our future. He didn’t just clear up the destruction I left behind, he repaired, he left a way for me to see clearly. I've been walking back along that path while in my recovery and you know where it led me? Home. My home, my place of peace, refuge, and safety. A home that was inside me all along, but I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t feel it, that ooze had blocked me from seeing my truth. My home is me, my light, my soul. My peace is mine to bring with me wherever I am, because it is a gift given to me by God. Nothing can destroy this home, only hide it in plain sight. I am grateful for the clarity that comes from his peace, and I am grateful that my higher power led me home to where I always belonged. So, I pray for this that we allow our higher power to set our paths ablaze with his love and his power. I pray that we clear away the wreckage of our past with Gods help, and find our way home. I pray that you can see with eyes unclouded, to let God purify that black ooze inside your hearts and transform it into light. At the end always remember this, You are exactly where you need to be, You are exactly where God wants you, You can find your way home, but you have to let God show you your path, a path that has been purified in his loving flame to truly see that your home was always there waiting for you with the lights on and the door unlocked.
With Much Love,