Recently I had a struggle of my faith and in this season, it is especially important for me to be open and honest with myself. This season is a reminder of all the friends i have lost to suicide over the years and November marks the month the thing i wanted most in this world was taken from me- at least that is what my diseased mind leads me to believe.
wanted my death to mean something and if i died in combat then my life would have meant something- and my family would have been paid. Thinking back to my addiction- I couldn't take my own life even though i wanted to die because that meant i would have to accept a life of nothingness. A death of an alcoholic who would only bring shame and pain to his family. That wasn't my story, but at times I wanted it to be more than anything.
So, my faith began to waiver, and once again I found myself questioning God. Feeling like a puppet with God as my puppet master. Though as it was pointed out to me, God, my higher power, is whatever I chose him to be. I am still at a disconnect sometimes with my higher power now and the one I cursed back then. They are not the same- and they can never be the same. My higher power is gentle, but stern. He is forgiving, loving, merciful and my God of old to me was cold, judgmental and ruthless. He took, but never gave and so I turned my back on him years ago.
My recent disconnect came in the form of what I thought I wanted and needed and the isms of my faith. The God will give you what you need, but not what you want. That’s not the whole truth. God will give me what I want when it's good for me, but he will always supply my needs. That sentence started the discourse that led to a greater understanding for me. God gave me the answers I sought through my daily reflections and meditation.
This is what I learned God gave me what I wanted many times over, most of the time what I asked for was Love. I was given many opportunities for love, but my flaw was I had no idea what to do with the gifts he was giving me. What I thought I wanted was given to me, but I was unable to appreciate these gifts, this love, these people, and so I squandered them. Talk about a hard lesson about yourself. I wanted to blame God for never giving me my wants, but it was I that struggled to keep what I wanted. My traumas, my alcoholism, my anger, resentments, anything and everything that kept me disconnected from God and myself were always the barriers to truly appreciating these gifts.
I was given love, and God placed many women into my life. I couldn’t appreciate them the way they needed to be, and I couldn’t love them the way they deserved to be. Because it was I that didn’t know how to love, how to appreciate, and these were failures of my character not God's failures. No one wants to take responsibility for their failures or even acknowledge that gaping hole inside was made by none other than me. Well, it was and I'm here to say I'm all the better for it. I've had a gift for writing since I was a child, but I never knew what to do with it. It wasn’t until sobriety that I found a real appreciation for the power of my own words. The simple matter is my heart and soul can be found in my words and stories because I found a way to be honest with myself. So, my season isn't just about rediscovering my gifts in sobriety, but learning how to appreciate the ones I’ve been given and have yet to receive.
In the end I pray for this, I pray we find gratitude and appreciation for the things we have been given by our higher powers. I pray we recognize our own defects in the course of our stories and come to a place of greater understanding. I want everyone to remember that God will gives us what we want when it is good for us because he is a kind and gentle God. Sometimes he will even give us what we want when it isnt good because it will teach us a lesson we needed to learn. These lessons help us appreciate what was given, and often times taken away.
With much love and hope,