My pride has been a constant hindrance to me and it lets my ego run rampant. It's what makes rejection so difficult for me. I know it's not them saying I'm worthless and I know it's just an issue of not compatible. Yet, my pride gets immensely hurt, it feels like a direct attack on me and I hate that. I hate having to walk away and try to keep my pride in check. I'm learning every day to let God take care of my pride and ego, to transform it in ways I never could. I’m learning to make space for God, my higher power, to work in my life. I recently had to finally bend to Gods will for me and get off online dating apps. All they ever did was stroke my ego, and lead to constant disappointments. My best relationships happened naturally in person, and not from someone I met online. I had to remember that, so I'm leaving that space open for God to send someone my way in person. That I'm not letting my ego get in the way and prevent me from seeing a good thing.
Pride, self-centeredness, ego. All these things I wish I had recognized and abandoned in order to get help. Like I've said before I wasn’t ready to put these things out of my life and let my higher power in. In some ways, they were keeping me together like a toxic marionette puppet. For all the negative, the good was they kept me alive, just long enough to find God. Long enough to finally be so sick and tired of feeling that way to seek help. So, I'm grateful for that, and I'm grateful that I can see that for what it is. I am trying to get out of my own way, but it seems so hard some days. Pride and arrogance are like a constant thorn in my heel. It’s the hardest of my defects to grow from, and it's going to take a long time for it to be transformed. I know that’s okay; I know I can't be rid of it overnight. Its roots are long and deep like the world tree. Its roots reach down to my very core, and it’s intertwined with my life all too well. I have trust and faith that God will continue doing for me that I cannot do for myself.
My thorns pricked a lot of people who were trying to help me. I didn’t want their help, but they gave it anyways. It's one of the reasons I'm still alive and one of my living amends is to water my thorns so they don’t prick as hard. I want to make it easier for people to see me, the Rose, and not my thorns. It won't be an easy task, but I have God on my side. I wanted to share this for everyone struggling with their pride and ego as well. It blinds us, prevents us from seeing Gods gifts, his glory, and our own success. I know I have to step aside for God to work in my life.
Fighting him gets me nowhere, wrestling with God is a fruitless endeavor. When we concede we can't win, we let our higher power in. Like the story of Jacob, the heel-grabber, the man who wrestled with God on the river knowing he couldn’t win. He wrestled till he was exhausted, threw in one last strike and gave up. Asking God to bless him, because he knew he would never win this battle. So, stop wrestling with God, or your higher power and ask for their blessing. I don’t want to look back on my life and see how much time I wasted wrestling with myself, with God and the world. I am exhausted, I reached the river and I didn’t have the strength to cross it alone. I didn’t have the strength to forgive alone. I was exactly like Jacob, I feared my consequences, I feared my past, but I knew I couldn’t win against God. I stopped fighting and started listening.
With Much Love,