I wanted to run far far away from anything and everything in my life. The worst possible outcome for me was to accept responsibility for the things I had done. Even in sobriety, my disease still tells me run, hide and never change. Because it keeps me trapped in my addiction, my tormented mind. I don't like admitting I was wrong, that i made a mistake, or that i could make a mistake. i thought i knew better than anyone and everyone, but i was wrong.
There are days where i still want to escape my life and hope that day comes. To spread my wings and fly, never looking back . Even if i made all my amends, claimed my responsibility there is a day i want to leave. I'm reminded of all the pain, the sorrow and the loss Iv'e experienced in this place i once called home. This city no longer nurtures anything only drowns out the light. I want to find a place of peace and freedom from the people, the places and the things in my life while still sober. The difference is i want to fly away this time, not run. Because flying away means i dealt with my past, accepted my present and wanted a change for my future. Not to run away from my past or what I've done.
I am tired of the constant reminders of distant memories eveyrwhere i go. There are more pieces of me in this city than i wanted to leave. Its the same places i lost love, lost friends, lost myself. For me its hard to come to terms with that every single time. Some days i dont want to remember, i had hoped those memories faded with time, but God brought them back for a reason. To remind me of the choice i have and always have had. To leave and be free somewhere else, unbound by the chains of this city and its people. I chose not to leave out of fear, but that fear shrinks every single day. One day i will be gone, and choose my home for once.